I love him, I love him, I love him....Oh Mina, I love him.....

The title of this post comes from, "Bram Stoker's Dracula." I love this line where Mina's friend (Lucy) decides on whom she will marry, and proceeds to run outside shouting to the rafters, " I love him, I love him, I love him..." This part of the movie allways was the most thrilling for me, aside from the blood sucking hot ass vampire GARY OLDMAN...LOL. I haven't posted on my blog for awhile, been kind of busy at work, and since I do not have computer at home I cannot update as much as I would like to. That being said, I have made some time to bring you aware of the changes in my life. First and foremost ZACHARY. Zachary, what is there to say about him other than " I love him," hence the title of this blog and he being the core subject of my rant today. We began talking on a Sunday, a little over a week ago, and have spoken to each other every day, sometimes twice a day. I had NY first dream of him the other night, which friends said was the classic anxiety dream everyone has who is new to love. He has maid my world so different and so thrilling to be in. Which is why I have the anxiety, THERE IS SO MUCH TO LOOSE! If I give my heart away, will it be bruised when it is returned. Betrayal and monogamy are my biggest fears, and I cant help but think of these things since we are soo far apart. Probably will be far apart for awhile. Can we both maintain the relationship and keep it going without being near each other. Something like this takes a commitment from both parties, something I am willing to do, but is he? He says he is and I believe him. There is no question about that, however I cant help but have reservations. Does he?
My mother says, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." Is she right?
I would never let another man come between Zachary and I, I would defend our love to the highest power, never letting anyone talk him down, or let him feel as if he couldn't trust me. I want him to trust me. I want him to know that I would never hurt him. Its hard for me to say these things to him, I allways was a better communicator through writing, don't ask why.
I have so many thoughts going on in my head, maybe I should just enjoy the feeling of LAMOUR, cause it does look something like him....

So I was on a bus today looking at on old abandon building along the route, and a theme for a new poetry book popped into my conscious.."Beauty eclipsed by industry." Now this could mean many things, what those things are I have not figured out yet.. So it is a seed of an idea..I need to develop this more..Maybe a seed for my novel, I am not sure, I only hope I continue to catch the clues, which the sources or throwing at me...My day was long.. The first day of class.. ART HISTORY I...This is going to be an exciting class..I love the idea of opening my eyes to other forms of art.....This is also going to be a good stepping off point for my poetry. I must check on the definitions of these two words BEAUTY/INDUSTRY..To see if they will unlock more clues...Ok so that's it for now....

Something he said........

I thought for a minute my heart would run for the door, however, to my amusement it skipped a couple beats. I had finally found a way to break free of him and his madness, stifling me, suffocating, and cutting off any type of chance I ever had. Men! Why do they do the things they do, and why as a gay male do I love them. He called me stupid on my answering machine the other day, he simply does not like to hear my voice. I can not help but think who the "fuck" are you. Sometimes I get sickened with his attitude, and his non-chalant behavior, as if things did not really matter to him. I ask a question, "does he really even love?" The funny thing is, we're not even together, not in the least bit. "Just friends," he says. I was always the one wearing my heart out on its sleeve, the one who held all the emotion for the both of us. Well, no more! It is over I am three thousand miles away, and if it is distance I need to recuperate, than it is distance I shall have.........

I'm off to the mountain top!

So last night I went to see the film, "Brokeback Mountain." WOW! Such a phenomenal film, and it certainly packs a wallop in the end. I cried, and then could not go to sleep, due to the fact I was incessantly going over the story in my head. Everyone must go see this movie, gay, straight, black, brown, green blue, please see this movie. It will definitely touch your soul. Anyhow, I am sitting here at work with nothing to do. The department heads are running around screaming, "work is coming, work is coming." moronic! They make me giggle, corporations make me giggle. I have reached an interesting part in the book I am reading, "The Time traveler's Wife." The main character has just told the story of how his mother has died, decapitated, by a piece of sheet metal. God! Dramatic huh. Well I wanted to post this rambling I wrote the other day, it is nothing spectacular, however I have not posted any new pieces yet....
There is no title, it is more like the beginnings of something stupendous...

Questions (possible title)

Shequa poses on the corner, in her Friday garments, insanely shouting, "I do not fill in here."
She points out pungent decapitated figures lying exquisitely in a row.
My father figure likes to blow his truths consequence; catching the stragglers by surprise.
What's next?

We'll follow the diamond glow onto a southern comfort couch; imitating Dorothy Dandridge as Carmen Jones, while catching some late-night reruns on color T.V. This is exciting to witness!
She'll keep me entertained.
When?

I've said it before, I shouldn't have to repeat myself. I sense somewhere in this jumble, you have maybe caught a glimpse of hidden independence. Should I turn it up. Would you even hear through all the inane sounds?
Well?

ok...So that is it. The title just came to me while typing it out

ARTICULATION

I cannot articulate anymore. At one point in my life I prided myself in being able to say what it was I needed to say, now days it seems I get tounge tied..I tried to talk to this cute spanish boy last night but found myself tripping over my words. I don not believe he even understood the things I was saying, considering he did not speak good english. Anywho, I had a good time, everything is alright I just wish I would not make a fool of myself when trying to speak these days.

How's Your JesusChrist Been Hangin'

How's Your JesusChrist Been Hangin'


Breakfast was, a bowl of raisin bran, a all wheat bagel with, butter, and oragnic strawberry jam, with a glass of OJ....yum!

tomorrow

Coming tomorrow another poem........................

I'm feeling extremely Banal Today!

So I have been feeling real good about alot of things, or at least been content with life at this present moment. Spirits are high (I'M NOT! lol inside joke for all you who don't know) and I am receiving good omens from the divine spirit...Seems I have made a good choice in moving from Ca to Ny...Time will tell...
Well, today I awoke felling alright until I got to the bank. Chase Manhattan will not cash my check even though the check has their name on it...what bull shit...So i go to check cashing down the street, and they proceed to tell me, "we do not accept out of state ID's,"what a crock! It's not like I am trying to cheat anyone, or cash an illegitimate check... No one seems to want to do anything with a Ca ID in this state. What is this world coming to when you can not get to the money that is rightfully yours.... This bugs me... A minor setback.. I should not let this interupt the "peace of mind" wave I've been on the last month or so since i came out here. This seems pointless to banter on about, however it has made me iritated this morning. You know how it goes. Ok I'm over it now...My birthday is tomorrow (24) and i think I am going to this gay lounge with a girlfriend from work...It's nice to have met a few people already out here, they make the move a little more bearable. I miss my friends, but at the same time it is nice to know they are still there and I am here... (if you all readthis please dont take ofense, yall know what visalia is like)...When i go home tonight I am putting on Kate Bush's The Dreaming, and am planning to rock out..No need to explain why the picture is at the top of this little blog..School starts soon, and I can not wait. Finally gonna feed my brain, she's benn hungry for so long..............................